You can't (shouldn't?) go home again.

So I'm back in my old hometown this week, and first thing here my mom shows me some pictures of before I left. I was pretty fat. Or, at least, 30 pounds bigger then I am now.

So now my eyes, or maybe my third eye, my inner eyes, are playing tricks on me. I have to keep checking in the mirror that I look the same still, because as soon as I look away, my body swells that 30 pounds and I am right back where I started.

I am seeing old friends and staying clean. But I am having mood swings left and right lol.

The day before yesterday I woke up in the best mood I have been in a really long time. I smiled at strangers on my way to get coffee. I was happy!

Then the rain came.
And it has been grey and dreary ever since, and so has my mood.
And so has Lui's mood!
It is inescapable!

We miss the sweet golden light of New Mexico, the blazing constant sun... and this visit, though I missed everyone and loved seeing them, has made me realize where my real home is now, where I belong and am most happy.

I have moved on, and it feels so good.

30-day Chaturanga Challenge

Image from http://www.alikamenova.com/ 

This is where I will keep track of how long I can stay in Chaturanga pose each day... Yesterday was day one and I kept it as long as today, 22 seconds. My last day will be July 14th, I will check in and see if I made any progress. Not a big post. :)

PMS and Prozac

My doctor thought maybe Prozac would help my SEVERRRREEE PMS. I get so bad I have a break with reality most cycles. And it worked! It is like a miracle. I only take it two weeks out of the month, at an extremely low dose.. I am on my second day (the worst ones being the day before and the first day of) and all I had was some mild irritability. lie any normal woman would with PMS. Amazing. There is a study, you can read about it here if you want, about Prozac for PMS, not depression.

"...and that between 30 and 40 per cent have more severe symptoms that badly affect their work and family lives."

Yup, That is me alright. It interferes with school and seeing friends, and ANYTHING else I may have had planned for those 2 or 3 horrible days. And this may be my miracle cure. except....

There is a slight chance that even with this low dose, it may induce a manic state in those with Bipolar Syndrome.

And here, my 6th dose about to be taken, I am worried this may be happening. Last night I only needed 6 hours of sleep, couldn't sleep but wasn't tired, and awoke now bright and early full of energy. So far that is a good thing, I could use some mild mania.. I have been so slow lately, slightly depressed, but if this gets worse I am going to have to make a tough decision. And unfortunately I think I know which one I'm gonna choose. Because I can't go back to that life-stopping mental anguish of my PMDD.

I'm going to keep a close watch on how severe this gets. So far it might just be an energetic day or two, I am  excited for my upcoming trip back home for a couple of weeks.. But still. Mania is no joke, and me here with out a solid connection to a psychiatrist yet, this could get kinda tricky.

Anyways, on with my morning! Coffee and yoga, attempted meditation. 

Love.

Today, I am upping my calorie intake to (almost to) the "maintain" level.
This is hard for me. It shouldn't be, after all these years, but it is.

Baby steps.

the Hybrot

link-article

These little robot guys are driven by the actual living brain cells of rats!

As fascinating as that is (very fascinating).. The goal of their life is stated as follows:

"...to move forward, and try not to bump into anything."

This should be everyone's goal in life.

Read the article :)

Parade

We went to watch the parade yesterday.
I was having  lot of fun until I pet one of the horses and got yelled at for it. Major mood swing.
Stupid stupid stupid.