You can't (shouldn't?) go home again.

So I'm back in my old hometown this week, and first thing here my mom shows me some pictures of before I left. I was pretty fat. Or, at least, 30 pounds bigger then I am now.

So now my eyes, or maybe my third eye, my inner eyes, are playing tricks on me. I have to keep checking in the mirror that I look the same still, because as soon as I look away, my body swells that 30 pounds and I am right back where I started.

I am seeing old friends and staying clean. But I am having mood swings left and right lol.

The day before yesterday I woke up in the best mood I have been in a really long time. I smiled at strangers on my way to get coffee. I was happy!

Then the rain came.
And it has been grey and dreary ever since, and so has my mood.
And so has Lui's mood!
It is inescapable!

We miss the sweet golden light of New Mexico, the blazing constant sun... and this visit, though I missed everyone and loved seeing them, has made me realize where my real home is now, where I belong and am most happy.

I have moved on, and it feels so good.

30-day Chaturanga Challenge

Image from http://www.alikamenova.com/ 

This is where I will keep track of how long I can stay in Chaturanga pose each day... Yesterday was day one and I kept it as long as today, 22 seconds. My last day will be July 14th, I will check in and see if I made any progress. Not a big post. :)

PMS and Prozac

My doctor thought maybe Prozac would help my SEVERRRREEE PMS. I get so bad I have a break with reality most cycles. And it worked! It is like a miracle. I only take it two weeks out of the month, at an extremely low dose.. I am on my second day (the worst ones being the day before and the first day of) and all I had was some mild irritability. lie any normal woman would with PMS. Amazing. There is a study, you can read about it here if you want, about Prozac for PMS, not depression.

"...and that between 30 and 40 per cent have more severe symptoms that badly affect their work and family lives."

Yup, That is me alright. It interferes with school and seeing friends, and ANYTHING else I may have had planned for those 2 or 3 horrible days. And this may be my miracle cure. except....

There is a slight chance that even with this low dose, it may induce a manic state in those with Bipolar Syndrome.

And here, my 6th dose about to be taken, I am worried this may be happening. Last night I only needed 6 hours of sleep, couldn't sleep but wasn't tired, and awoke now bright and early full of energy. So far that is a good thing, I could use some mild mania.. I have been so slow lately, slightly depressed, but if this gets worse I am going to have to make a tough decision. And unfortunately I think I know which one I'm gonna choose. Because I can't go back to that life-stopping mental anguish of my PMDD.

I'm going to keep a close watch on how severe this gets. So far it might just be an energetic day or two, I am  excited for my upcoming trip back home for a couple of weeks.. But still. Mania is no joke, and me here with out a solid connection to a psychiatrist yet, this could get kinda tricky.

Anyways, on with my morning! Coffee and yoga, attempted meditation. 

Love.

Today, I am upping my calorie intake to (almost to) the "maintain" level.
This is hard for me. It shouldn't be, after all these years, but it is.

Baby steps.

the Hybrot

link-article

These little robot guys are driven by the actual living brain cells of rats!

As fascinating as that is (very fascinating).. The goal of their life is stated as follows:

"...to move forward, and try not to bump into anything."

This should be everyone's goal in life.

Read the article :)

Parade

We went to watch the parade yesterday.
I was having  lot of fun until I pet one of the horses and got yelled at for it. Major mood swing.
Stupid stupid stupid.

Excited!

Tomorrow is the Pride March here in ABQ...

I'm going, and I am gonna have fun. Yes, I will.

I will!

I have been to one other Pride March, in Cleveland... Do I still have pics from then?

*searches*

Only one I could find.

I hope to have as much fun this time.

The Old Lady Lesbian's float made me choked up a lil' lol....

"I don't know."

My newest addition to my cool-awesome-amazing t-shirt collection.

I am expecting the Bruce Lee one in the mail any day now. Oh yes.

I had my second therapy session yesterday, and found I had nothing to say. How was your week? fine. I've been feeling kinda down lately. Why? ...I don't know. I start to cry. Why are you crying? I don't know. I don't know. I suck at therapy.

"I don't know" was an answer repeated many times in this session. Because, quite frankly, I am at the stage in my recovery where I no longer hide from my moods and skew them/control them with awesome drugs. Ok, not awesome. You can tell I have been having some trouble lately in the cravings-portion of this, but that's another story. So, no drugs means weird feelings, out of no where, all the time. And I have no idea, AT ALL, where they come from or why they come. They just do. 

I will have my 6-months key-tag on July 7th... 39 days away... I hope to make it there. I'm pretty confident I will. I have yet to make friends with a user here in New Mexico, I think I'm safe. Never buy from a stranger off the street. Never never.

- * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * -

I want to talk about My Lui, because she has been having problems lately, with life, with people. She is a transgendered woman who is so early in the process of changing that she still looks like a man and has me call her "he" and Lui instead of Lulu, which I am told she will be switching to later on. This is hard shit for me, I hate change in general and this is a whopper, but I have never met anyone like her, so I am determined to try my best to stick it out. From now on in this blog I will use the pronoun "he" because it is less confusing for me. He said I could post a pic of him here. My Lui:

 

Beautiful. Damaged, scarred... mistreated by the people he should have been able to trust the most, his family. And I love him more then anything in this world. He has been there for me through the good the bad and the ugly. He can calm me down when I have a panic attack. He makes me feel safe and he makes me feel loved and he makes me feel beautiful, not easy things to do for me, really.

OH! I forgot I have to finish his PJ pants! I am making him Batman pjs. I think I will go do that now before I forget. Have a peaceful and intriguing day, everyone. LOVE.

:)

Today, I am feeling the weight lift off! I skipped therapy on Wednesday and my sponsor is in Tahoe with her daughter who just gave birth. I went this one alone, and made it through to the other side. I just had to wait, and not do anything... rash?

Not much point to this entry except to say things are getting better.
I felt like I needed to write that, I guess.
<3

According to Plan

forgive the make-up free face please...

Not everything goes this way. According to plan, that is. I woke up this morning already half into a panic attack, so news, everything about yesterday's mood swing did not fix itself over night. Poo. Sometimes it does. A lot of times, actually. But I had some wicked insomnia last night, and this morning was bad like yesterday. It started that way at least.

Then it thunder-stormed. I don't know if you know anything about New Mexico weather but this is incredibly rare. Torrential rain for about 2 minutes, then sunshine bright like it never happened. Then torrential rain again, thunder and all, and drizzles remained for at least 20 minutes after that. Something in me sensed the cracklings going on outside and set me off. As soon as the storm stopped, I felt... better. This used to happen a lot more in Cleveland, where weather weirdness was more normal. It's like, my brains go all crackly until the storm and rain erupt to let the static out. And some of the static did get let out...

So, I decided to make a small tiny adventure and walk to the theater to see the new X-Men with Lui. (It was.. eh. ok. not terrible.) And when we got home he put this tiara on my head, called me a queen, and gave me a kiss. On such a shit mood swing, this made my freaking day. He will never know how much I love him. It is impossible to put into words. If it weren't for him i would most certainly be dead, but that's a post for another day. Just know it: Love saves lives. <3

3 years ago...

and, somehow, still going strong.

Major,swing,down.
Today, I failed.
It's crushing me. I can't think straight.
Can't put the words together right.
The words just... don't fit.

I am so sad. And scared, of everything...
All I can do today is watch crap television and try not to think too much.

These days the swings don't usually last long, though. Today, I survive. Tomorrow maybe more. I am trying very hard not to turn this entry into an emo stream of whining... ha... I better go before it stops working.

I am too old for this shit.

Body (or not) Dysmorphia

The Ugly Truth About Body Dysmorphic Disorder (<-link)

telegraphUK

So I have this. And it is a major pain in the ass. When I was younger, and didn't think I had this problem... I was pretty sure what I saw in the mirror or in pictures was just how I was, I was convinced I was the ugliest person on the planet. In my teens, I read about BDD in my (overly) extensive research into eating disorders. Yes, I was bulimic (in recovery now), but unlike most people with an eating disorder, I didn't see myself as fatter then I really was. I always had a pretty good view of the reality of my body. When I got too thin, I could see it, and I didn't have the urge to keep getting thinner, so I didn't think I had BDD. Only now, a decade later, do I realize I have had it all along, but not with my body. With my face.

Sometimes I look in the mirror, and for a fleeting instant, I see a regular woman...but then it changes. Deep folds appear around my mouth, my acne scars turn into horrid pits... My eyes recede into my skull and an ogre appears where I was a second ago. I am a monster, and I don't see how I could be anything but. Sometimes it isn't like this. That is what keeps me sane, to an extent. The fact that what I see changes day-to-day, or even in seconds, is proof positive that I can.not.trust what I am seeing.

So I close the mirror.

I try to block myself in pictures.

I just don't want to face it.

And if I ignore it long enough, it goes away a little. I can forget my face, and just live.

This guy, Leo Babauta (great blog) is doing this thing, this month-without thing. This month he is trying to go without eating tasty foods (CRAZY!) lol, but I see where he is coming from. And for a slightly different reason, I am going to go without mirrors for the rest of this month. I may need a few make-up days at the beginning of June, otherwise I would throw it in there too. Fuck the mirror. I am a mind-fuck. Wish me luck <3

Mornings, an effort.

I am trying to fill my mornings with happy things, joyous things, nourishing things. This morning I woke up and had sex, first thing, which was a nice little wake up... (evil grin) I am bleeding pretty bad, so it wasn't very pretty but my Lui didn't seem to mind. At least not too much. He stopped before he finished, I wouldn't have blamed him if it was the blood but he said it was that his head wouldn't stop spinning. Both acceptable answers.

Next I did a half-hour power yoga class online with this chick, Ali Kamenova, on youtube. Here is her pic, and a link to her youtube site.

CLICK for the hotness!

Oh yeah, did I mention she is super hot?

That helps with sticking through her torture sessions.

So yes, um, before distractions, good mornings. Now i am going to have a breakfast of blueberries and coffee, and then walk to the gym.

So. A good morning:

Sex, yes please.

Yoga

Fruit

COFFEE

Walks in the New Mexico sun.

(And meds, mustn't forget meds.)

I figure, if there is any day I can go balls to the walls and eat whatever the fuck I want, it's the first day of my period. (which is today)

Tell me I'm wrong.
No don't!

Someone suggested I try to meditate through the pain. Hmm.

You know what? I think I will. Try.

Maybe not.

I am such a hot mess.

Ouch :(

To begin in the middle.

I don't do much with Life, right now. I go to therapy. I go to the gym. I go on walks in the sun. I try (sort of) to make it to NA meetings, but they leave me feeling empty and alone, and scared, and so I avoid them when I can. I take joy where I can find it, in good coffee, the love of my friends. The smell of mornings, when the sun hasn't baked the dirt yet, and everything is clean.

And my Lui. I am nothing without my Lui.

But I want so much more than this. I want to support myself, and not live off SSI. I want to get my illness under control. I want to work, and make friends, and stop all these destructive behaviors I have amassed over the years. Bulimia. Self mutilation. Obsession. Destruction.

But out of destruction comes creation, right? The endless cycle of destruction, creation, destruction, creation. Change is inevitable, and as much as I would like to say it starts today, it has already started. I will flourish in this world, in this Life. I will find my peace, and I will do what I am meant to. Everybody does, eventually.

My therapist is a kind and sympathetic woman, very young, but I trust her so far. She says we don't have to go places I don't want to go, and so we haven't yet. I am afraid we will have to. But I don't think about that now. I am not very good at therapy, I have tried it before but always just ended up... stopping. Quitting is something I am very good at, and it feels amazing to do it. To feel free of ever having to see someone again, the stress release is great, but that is one of the major things that I'm working on right now. Not giving up on people. Or .. not giving in to the impulse to run, as fast as I can, in the opposite direction of change.

Change is a scary thing, you know?
Especially when you are Bipolar, and barely functioning.

But let's end this with some good.
I got a package in the mail! Who doesn't love those?