telegraphUK
So I have this. And it is a major pain in the ass. When I was younger, and didn't think I had this problem... I was pretty sure what I saw in the mirror or in pictures was just how I was, I was convinced I was the ugliest person on the planet. In my teens, I read about BDD in my (overly) extensive research into eating disorders. Yes, I was bulimic (in recovery now), but unlike most people with an eating disorder, I didn't see myself as fatter then I really was. I always had a pretty good view of the reality of my body. When I got too thin, I could see it, and I didn't have the urge to keep getting thinner, so I didn't think I had BDD. Only now, a decade later, do I realize I have had it all along, but not with my body. With my face.
Sometimes I look in the mirror, and for a fleeting instant, I see a regular woman...but then it changes. Deep folds appear around my mouth, my acne scars turn into horrid pits... My eyes recede into my skull and an ogre appears where I was a second ago. I am a monster, and I don't see how I could be anything but. Sometimes it isn't like this. That is what keeps me sane, to an extent. The fact that what I see changes day-to-day, or even in seconds, is proof positive that I can.not.trust what I am seeing.
So I close the mirror.
I try to block myself in pictures.
I just don't want to face it.
And if I ignore it long enough, it goes away a little. I can forget my face, and just live.
This guy, Leo Babauta (great blog) is doing this thing, this month-without thing. This month he is trying to go without eating tasty foods (CRAZY!) lol, but I see where he is coming from. And for a slightly different reason, I am going to go without mirrors for the rest of this month. I may need a few make-up days at the beginning of June, otherwise I would throw it in there too. Fuck the mirror. I am a mind-fuck. Wish me luck <3
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