To begin in the middle.

I don't do much with Life, right now. I go to therapy. I go to the gym. I go on walks in the sun. I try (sort of) to make it to NA meetings, but they leave me feeling empty and alone, and scared, and so I avoid them when I can. I take joy where I can find it, in good coffee, the love of my friends. The smell of mornings, when the sun hasn't baked the dirt yet, and everything is clean.

And my Lui. I am nothing without my Lui.

But I want so much more than this. I want to support myself, and not live off SSI. I want to get my illness under control. I want to work, and make friends, and stop all these destructive behaviors I have amassed over the years. Bulimia. Self mutilation. Obsession. Destruction.

But out of destruction comes creation, right? The endless cycle of destruction, creation, destruction, creation. Change is inevitable, and as much as I would like to say it starts today, it has already started. I will flourish in this world, in this Life. I will find my peace, and I will do what I am meant to. Everybody does, eventually.

My therapist is a kind and sympathetic woman, very young, but I trust her so far. She says we don't have to go places I don't want to go, and so we haven't yet. I am afraid we will have to. But I don't think about that now. I am not very good at therapy, I have tried it before but always just ended up... stopping. Quitting is something I am very good at, and it feels amazing to do it. To feel free of ever having to see someone again, the stress release is great, but that is one of the major things that I'm working on right now. Not giving up on people. Or .. not giving in to the impulse to run, as fast as I can, in the opposite direction of change.

Change is a scary thing, you know?
Especially when you are Bipolar, and barely functioning.

But let's end this with some good.
I got a package in the mail! Who doesn't love those?