"I don't know."

My newest addition to my cool-awesome-amazing t-shirt collection.

I am expecting the Bruce Lee one in the mail any day now. Oh yes.

I had my second therapy session yesterday, and found I had nothing to say. How was your week? fine. I've been feeling kinda down lately. Why? ...I don't know. I start to cry. Why are you crying? I don't know. I don't know. I suck at therapy.

"I don't know" was an answer repeated many times in this session. Because, quite frankly, I am at the stage in my recovery where I no longer hide from my moods and skew them/control them with awesome drugs. Ok, not awesome. You can tell I have been having some trouble lately in the cravings-portion of this, but that's another story. So, no drugs means weird feelings, out of no where, all the time. And I have no idea, AT ALL, where they come from or why they come. They just do. 

I will have my 6-months key-tag on July 7th... 39 days away... I hope to make it there. I'm pretty confident I will. I have yet to make friends with a user here in New Mexico, I think I'm safe. Never buy from a stranger off the street. Never never.

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I want to talk about My Lui, because she has been having problems lately, with life, with people. She is a transgendered woman who is so early in the process of changing that she still looks like a man and has me call her "he" and Lui instead of Lulu, which I am told she will be switching to later on. This is hard shit for me, I hate change in general and this is a whopper, but I have never met anyone like her, so I am determined to try my best to stick it out. From now on in this blog I will use the pronoun "he" because it is less confusing for me. He said I could post a pic of him here. My Lui:

 

Beautiful. Damaged, scarred... mistreated by the people he should have been able to trust the most, his family. And I love him more then anything in this world. He has been there for me through the good the bad and the ugly. He can calm me down when I have a panic attack. He makes me feel safe and he makes me feel loved and he makes me feel beautiful, not easy things to do for me, really.

OH! I forgot I have to finish his PJ pants! I am making him Batman pjs. I think I will go do that now before I forget. Have a peaceful and intriguing day, everyone. LOVE.